Sunday, June 01, 2008

Warning: self-indulgent rant

Today is one of those blah days where my body seems to be inhabited by a black hole, located pretty much dead centre of my chest. Anytime I try to make a decision about what to do with myself a surge of hopelessness and lethargy jumps out of me and sweeps that desire away, replacing it with an aimlessness and restlessness which has seen me waste a whole day on doing small pointless jobs that are a distraction from my own inner monologue.

It must be the weather. It’s a grey day, with the occasional drizzle (like right now when I want to play frisbee) and a sort of heaviness in the air, like before a storm. There’s just enough wind to need a few layers. The noisy birds continue to chirp, but somehow it seems ominous to have cheeping birds without sun. Dreary, dreary day.

At times like this I wonder how reliable my own perception really is. Obviously, the world is coloured by my emotional state more than I’m willing to believe. If birds seem creepy when I’m feeling down, who’s to say that my assessment of what’s great when I feel good is any less crazy? That said, how am I supposed to evaluate anything? Through a serious of tests that have nothing to do with how I’m feeling? Ultimately I have to set benchmark based on my experience, but my experience when? When I feel good, as if the world if full of joy, or when I feel demotivated and lifeless?

I guess the difference between happy and troubled people is what they choose to see. Someone once said to me “But things are basically good the way they are!” and I thought they were wrong. I still think they were, but I understand the need to believe it.

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